Food: Love Hate

Why is food so comforting? Is it because as young babes when upset our mothers would scoop us up, press us against their warm bosom and there we would be cooed into submission as we sucked their nipple? Is that the reason behind its power? Or perhaps it's been evolutionarily adapted, this need to satiate.

Food has always been there for me, but which role: friend or foe? As an individual still struggling with eating disorders and body image it's this constant battle. I want to eat but I'll overdo it, especially when emotions come into play. Until therapy I never really knew what triggered my “snack attacks” (to put it lightly) but with each session we pull another layer covering the underlying issue away. It's been a crutch for me for so long. My nipple, if it will.

For example this Sunday after a good workout at the gym I was laying down on my living room floor, pressing on my boob (the reason I don't know). I felt this thing. Not an average thing floating around in my breast (they are conglomerate in composition), but a lump… I played around with it and had my mother take a feel. The way her eyes widened made me even more uneasy. What was it? My mother had benign cyst that she had removed but this is so much bigger. Of course this triggered my mind to race, coming up with the worst-case scenarios. Tumor, cancer? What was my fate? Before I could gain composure I was tossing every morsel of food into my mouth. I knew throwing up wasn't an option. I didn't feel up to the process. So I just continued to shovel the food in.

Same Old Song and Dance

Sometimes it's better to be alone, that way no one can hurt you...

My mission was simple: Text Him to hang out. Not my idea, my therapist's but it's not like I didn't want to.

Promptly after my appointment I sent the text: "what are you doing this weekend?" the rest is history. My newly found confidence had me floating on cloud nine. I found myself boldly texting new boys all week, but the thought of hanging out with Him had me shaken up.

Yesterday was the day. I went about my morning as I normally would, went to the gym, cleaned my room, and talked to my distant best friend, but all I could think about was Him. My stomach was in knots and I found myself running to and from the bathroom. He was making me physically ill! My armpits were sweaty and my hands visibly shaking. I needed to calm down.

The text finally rolled in, it was time. I hopped into my Toyota Corolla and headed out. My speakers blared the top songs of the summer and I sang loudly in an attempt to drown the thoughts swirling around my head. I was the first to arrive and my heart thumped harder than the bass in the song against my chest. I impatiently waited and nearly jumped out of my seat each time a car pulled into the parking lot. 

While scrolling through my phone to keep my hands busy He pulled in. This was the big moment. I couldn't control my lips from curling into a wide obnoxious smile. I grabbed the brownies I baked and leapt out of my car. I walked closer and closer until finally I was near enough to smell His familiar scent. I wrapped my arms around his waist and melted into him like butter on hot toast. My fate was sealed - back to square one. 

We began our walk through the nearby brush and soon reality faded and we were in our own world just like old times. After some laughs, a few wild animals and a risky creek crossing we emerged from the trees and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. He plopped on a nearby bench and stretch all six foot seven of himself across the seat. I squeezed onto the edge. He continued to talk and I looked down at him the way puppy looks at his owner as he walks out the door. He smiled that signature smile and looked straight into my eyes. 

You can't do that, you can't look at somebody like that and not have feelings for them. You have to feel what I feel. You have to be squirming in your seat trying to stop yourself from reaching out and planting one on me too, right? 

Our time was up but I wasn't ready to leave. I'm so tired of saying goodbye. I hopped back into my car and drove home. I was more confused than ever, I wish I'd never gone...