“Make sure you send Grandma’s birthday card”,“ Me and you should go to the mall Tuesday”, “I like a little sugar in my tea”, “Sally’s yearbook pic is beautiful”.
So you’re texting a special cutie. The convo is flowing, your witty banter is on point. Things are running smoothly then - BAM! Four little words pop up on your screen. “Send me a pic”.
“To sext, or not to sext, that is the question”…. of the 21st century. Hamlet sure didn’t have to worry about junk like this. Oh Shakespearian times, the good old days where chivalry wasn’t dead, and the latest and greatest technology was the Printing Press. Now a days we have to worry about the sexual pressures picture messaging present. I suppose it is just a picture, but IDK man. Have you ever been going through your friend’s phones (this is especially true of my man friends), and while innocently checking out their photos you come across a naked girl…. boobs… oh there’s an ass…. wow are those implants? Before I know it I have viewed more tits and ass than I ever needed to see. Call me a prude, but I couldn’t bare (ha bare. get it naked…bare?) being “that naked girl on his phone”.
While ranting about our cough cough 2 cough month cough dry spell, my Roomie and I came to the conclusion that we don’t get any man action because we won’t “put out” for just anyone. I’d rather be stranded in the Sahara Desert (our nick-name for our sexual dry-spell) than feel badly about myself for hooking up with nasty scummy boys.
Summer of 2010 my two best friends from Buffalo (Buffalo Bestie, and Little Buddy) I made a bet. The bet was who can “get it in first”. Little Buddy (who is 2-years younger) had an unfair advantage. She had a steady boyfriend, so Buffalo Bestie and yours truly were forced to whore our selves around just too get a little action. I was determined to win this thing! I did not under any circumstances want to be a virgin in the sexual or kissing sense when my first day of college came around (PAH! …Still the Virgin Mary more than a year later). One night after a little too much “apple cider” at a grad party I had found the man who was going to pop this cherry. It was a boy who graduated, I thought was cute all throughout high school…. and he was a man-whore. I had this thing in the bag. Once I told my competitors my man of choice, blank stares were accompanied by chirping crickets. Little Buddy said: “you want to win the bet, not get an STD”. Because of this true statement we refer to him as STD Boy. Honestly I now (after seeing the light) would not touch that kid with a 9379273682736487 ' pole.
Anyways summer (stupid, horny) Amanda started texting STD boy, and all we did was talk about sex. I of course received the “Send me a pic” text, and as you probably have guessed didn’t send a pic. (Although horny, still had some personal boundaries). This went on for like two weeks; us saying how badly we wanted each other’s reproductive parts. A few times he even suggested I sneak in his house. He said his mom worked nights, and his dad and sister were sleeping…I’m sorry but FUCK NO. I am no ones booty call (unless your name is Shemar Moore). We continued to text sexual things, I repeatedly declined his suggestions to hop the bushes, and climb through his window, and then came August 14th; the bet deadline. Coincidently the night of the deadline we “hooked up”. When I say hooked up I mean made-out, not to be confused with the “had sex, Hooked up”. We made-out felt up and then went back to the party. I being a slut (and hopped up on "apple cider") text him and said I had a special surprise in store (BJ). He never got his “surprise” because I ignored him when he came to find me. Eventually STD Boy grew tired of my “cock teasing”, and I realized how stupid I was for acting foolish just to win a bet.
When I think sext I immediately think naked girl. But men do in fact sext. I have actually had the privilege? of receiving a rare MALE SEXT. It again was the last month before I was off to the Big Apple. Little Buddy has a big brother, and him and I occasionally texted (nothing raunchy like the texts between STD Boy and me). One time texted: “Send me a pic” text. I obviously shared it with Buffalo Bestie, and Little Buddy (I will never understand why guys think they can have a secret between them and a girl; its just fact that the girl will tell at minimum their closest bff). It was as you can imagine awkward for Little Buddy whose brother it was, but Buffalo Bestie and I were like lets see how far we can push this guy. Our mission:
-Get “Big Bro” to send a pic.
Almost everyday I (with Buffalo Bestie coaching me) tried to get Big Bro to send a pic. I tried sending googled tits and ass, but he was too smart for that. We even sent a pic of my girl’s cleavage. But he insisted of a pic of me. Really? My girl has like DD’s, I have (–A’s)… Anyways one day while in borders with Buffalo Bestie and Little Buddy, I finally told Big Bro that if he sent a picture I would send one after.
Now let’s pause for a moment. What is about to happen was totally unexpected, and I still feel a little guilty to this day
While in the travel section of the store I felt my phone vibrate. A glance, and a shriek later and I sent my phone half way across the isle. On my screen was a pic of what we now refer to as “Lil’ D. (Yes, I am an ass. The poor kid sends me a pic to which I did not reciprocate, and we made fun of it). I after collecting myself apologized, and erased the image from my phone. Unfortunately the image cannot be as easily erased from my memory.
Well that was riveting eh? From the above stories here are the conclusions that can be made about yours truly:
1) I am an asshole.
2) I am no one’s booty call
3) And I am still a virgin.
I at this point in my life will not demean myself just to get a little “booty” y’all are just missing out on this booty- Your loss. I suppose if I really like you I’d send a picture, but that takes some trust. If you receive one you have it in the bag or “my vag” I suppose. But really why a picture? Just come and see this work of art in person.
XoXo- Limardi <3
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