The night of March 26th, 2012 things got a little heated in apartment 1A. Two things suck about this:
1) I nearly suffocated myself under my pillow trying to muffle the sounds of my wallowing.
2) When you share a bedroom with someone who are fighting with they are the last thing you see before you fall asleep and the first thing you see you when you wake up (marriage must suck).
That night I couldn't fall asleep for my mind was riddled at how we could've gotten to this point.
At the start of this semester (due to some unfortunate circumstances) an old friend ended up bunking at our house. She (Naudie) was one of the first friends that I made coming into college way back when I was still at LIM. It's one of those friendships you really can explain, it just seemed to come into existence. She lived one floor above me in the dorms and most nights you could find me up there goofing around. I equate our friends to that of my Buffalo Bestie, I feel like she makes me a better person, so lighthearted and carefree.
About a month into first semester freshman year Lauren (My dorm roommate) and I were forced to find a third roommate after our other roommate dropped out of college. The new roommate was Sam and she moved in around October. I (being true to my awkward nature) did not speak to the girl for a couple months. I find it difficult to open up to new people, so that's why when friends like Naudie come into my life, I hold on to them with all my might. Over winter break LIM forces their students to get a six-week internship. This is when Sam and I really started to bond. We kind of had to considering our other roommate Lauren went home to do her internship. With the start of spring semester freshman year I went Queens to meet Sam's brother and from then on we became best of friends. This is when I began to separate myself from Nadie and our other friends. I didn't intentionally do it, I just kind of did… Sam and I did everything together: Woke up and went to class, went to the lobby to do work, ate dinner, went to the gym, and hung out in Queens. Then we thought, hey why don't we move in together, get an apartment”? An apartment fell into our laps after meeting with a realtor who was a family friend of Sam’s. This past summer we moved in.
It was now sophomore year first semester and I unfortunately was still a LIM college. I was in the process of transferring because I finally decided I wanted to go to school for physical therapy and personal training. This is when I noticed I really wasn't myself. I blamed it on the stress of trying to find a college in New York City to transfer to, but even after I found out I was accepted into Hunter College my state of unhappiness still continued. When Naudie came to stay at our house, she brought my depression to my attention. We were having a little girl time (Sam, Naudie and I), laying on the futon when Naudie compared me to Gollum. If you don't know who Gollum is he is a character from the Lord of the rings - a little creepy, scraggly cave dweller. She was so right! I was depressed. All I ever wanted to do was go to the gym, then come home put on my PJ’s and post up on the couch. So great, I knew I was depressed, but WHY? I’d gotten in the Hunter College, what was wrong? After Nadia got situated and moved off of our futon I realized how much I missed having her my life – we began hanging out every weekend and I found this to be the only time I was truly happy. I began to resent living with Sam. Everything she did annoyed me. My thoughts were “You don’t make me happy, Naudie makes me happy, so fuck you”. We would not talk for days on end except for a “hi, goodbye, I'm leaving, see you later”. There was this thick asphyxiating energy filling the house.
A week before the night of March 26th, 2012 I was on my way to work when I called my mom to check in, you know see what she was up to. All of a sudden I went off. I broke down into tears explaining with bated breath how I felt like Hunter College wasn't going to get me where I wanted to go. Monday, two days later I called my mom upset, almost in tears. I told her how I hated Sam and needed to moved out. In the midst of our conversation my mom brought up Daemen College, which is a private school back home in Buffalo probably 10 minutes away from my house. It's really well known for its physical therapy program; we had talked about it when I was looking to transfer schools in the first place, but I brushed it off. There was no way I was moving back to Buffalo. How do you go from NYC to Buffalo? This time when she said it I took it differently. Maybe the answer to my problems was right underneath my nose this whole time. I wasn't happy, I wasn't making friends at school because I wasn't happy, I totally neglected Sam because I wasn’t happy, maybe New York City isn't right for me right now. This enlightening phone conversation occurred quite literally 5 hours before the fight. I was so confused; I’d think about it and dissolve into tears. If I left, was I a failure? Was I one of those kids that went away to college, couldn’t handle it and had to come crawling back home to mommy, and daddy? Continuing to think, when I came to college back in the summer of 2010 I was not stable. I left in the height of my Bulimia. My mom had just learned about my disorder (a year and a half after it began) and I had been talking to someone about it for a month at most. I struggled with the Bulimia, and anorexia in tandem my whole freshman year and most of first semester this year.
I am proud to announce it has been a solid 5 months since I’ve thrown up, but I still battle with food to this day. I think in my heart of hearts I’ve known I should go to Daemen since wanting to transfer for physical therapy, but the thought of going home and possibly returning to my bulimic ways scared the living day light out of me. I thought coming to college would fix my problem, but you can’t conquer what you don’t confront. Maybe this is what I need. Maybe I need to go home and work on the problems I have been struggling with.
But back to Sam and our fight; all of these thoughts had been racing around in my head, I had just figured out what was wrong, why I was sad. As soon as I walked in the door, Sam asked what is going on, and so began the confrontation. I hadn’t had time to process all these thoughts and information, so I was caught off guard and at a loss for words. I couldn’t explain my actions to her. I mean I was probably going home after this semester, that a lot to take in!
Things are back to normal and everything is at peace. She’s moving in with two of our friends and me well I going back. Yesterday we spent a good hour reminiscing about the good times we’ve had. From this experience (my almost two year life in The Big Apple) I know for a fact everything happens for a reason. I’ve met some amazing people, ones that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life, and I’ve matured in ways I can’t even express. As for you New York, you’ll be here if I choose to come back.
My story isn’t ending, it’s just beginning; I’ll keep ya posted
XoXo- Amanda Limardi
