Just like the now barren turkey you are stuffed with green bean casserole, Grandma’s homemade mashed potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and some more pumpkin pie. Another great holiday filled with great food, and most importantly great people. Flopping on the couch and slowly drifting off into a food-induced coma sounds just peachy right? WRONG! Merely hours after Thanksgiving dinner has come to an end they waddle out into the chilly night air where they wait. For isn’t Thanksgiving the “Christmas Eve” to the Holiday season, the night before the most anticipated part of the year? Impatiently waiting for the doors to open, the clock strikes 4 am and they stampede like a band of wild animals escaping the zoo. Brace yourself it’s here, the Hell-A-Days.
Call me Scrooge; call me the Grinch but I. HATE. CHRISTMAS. Now before you go an egg my house let me explain. I’m sitting in the car and Wendy (my mother) complains to me how many Christmas cards she has to write. This statement was the catalyst to this entire rant I am about to go on. Who is she writing 60 plus Christmas cards to? Does she even know that many people? Wendy admits that she only speaks to seventy percent of these people come Christmas. So if these cards are being sent out of formality, and cordialness why even bother? It’ll just be another generic card with a glittery snowman on the front, wishing these near “strangers” a Happy Holiday. It’ll be displayed on their mantel for a few weeks then will be dumped after New Years. I doubt us (I use the term us loosely. Wendy sings all of our names. I mean they will realize we don’t have matching handwriting…) not sending them a Christmas Card adversely effects their merriment. You might as well save the dollar you “splurged” on the card with.
There is something in the air at this time of the year and that my friend is called phoniness. It’s much like those mass texts you receive Christmas day, the ones you damn well know has been forwarded to 150 other people. It’s bologna. I haven’t talked to you all year and you text me today? Bitch please.
If you aren’t aware there are a few other religions that celebrate during his time but I can understand if this is news to you. I mean Christmas steals the spotlight and the radio stations. Holidays are meant to bring family together to celebrate their blessings, and instead it creates stress, arguments, and debt. Does little Jimmy really need the two hundred-dollar remote-control car when he will end up playing with the wrapping paper instead?
Speaking of wrapping paper. What is the point of adorning a present in shiny paper and a large bow when it’ll be ripped to shreds in a matter of seconds? These are the questions that haunt me. Now that I have left you something to ponder enjoy your Hell-A-Days…. I mean Holidays. Feel free to egg my house.
